Big Ideas for Biblical Discipline

Discipline is one of those words where if you stare at it long enough it looks like something foreign from what you originally thought. I think the act of disciplining a child is similar. It can quickly morph into something that makes you scratch your head and wonder “what were we doing here?” Whether you are feeling a need to get back on track with your parenting in this area or you are a new parent with questions I hope to shed some light on the topic.

What is discipline?

Often when we use the word discipline we automatically think, “spanking”. While physical consequences are a part of discipline, it involves so much more! Discipline comes from the Latin word discipulus – meaning student or follower. Think “discipleship”. During the middle ages, the word became more associated with punishment and correction, but we can’t forget that the heart of the word has always involved being a student.

Discipleship is training our children through various means to love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love their neighbors as themselves. Each child is a unique learner and student and will require nuanced methods but the overall pedagogy is found in God’s Word.

The Bible has a lot to say about discipline. Even with its clear teaching on the subject, there are countless different perspectives and methodologies out there for how to discipline. Gentle discipline, positive discipline, behavioral discipline, don’t-spare-the-rod discipline, are just a few. Because there are so many heart issues involved in disciplining children, it can’t be summed up in a single set of steps or rules. Success depends more on humility, love, and discernment than on the phrases and methods you choose.

First, let’s look at just a sampling of what the Bible has to say about discipline. Then, I will share just a few principles that I’ve learned through experience.

God disciplines those He loves

The writer of Hebrews takes a whole bunch of passages on discipline (From Job 5:17, Psalm 94:2, Deuteronomy 8:5, and other passages) and ties them together. The point is that God’s discipline is proof that we are legitimate and loved children. His discipline is for our good and it will bring about peaceful fruit of righteousness.

The psalmist views the discipline of God in a positive light. The man whom God disciplines is called “blessed” in Psalm 94:12. Moses summed up the wilderness wanderings in Deuteronomy 8:5 with this statement, “Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, the LORD your God disciplines you. Even Jesus “learned” obedience from his heavenly Father (Hebrews 5:8).

We, likewise, are to discipline our children

Our children are commanded to obey us (yikes, that is humbling!) We are commanded to bring them up “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Paul does give a small description that helps us understand what the tenor of our discipline ought to look like when he says we aren’t to provoke them to anger. Proverbs also has a lot to say about discipline. Check out these three:

Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.

Proverbs 13:24

The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

Proverbs 29:15

 Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 22:6

6 Big Ideas for Biblical Discipline

First, have a joyful attitude

Try to have a joyful attitude while you parent. Most of the discipleship is helping cute tiny people learn how to partake in the high calling of following Jesus. Undeserving as you are, you get to be involved in that process! You get to set the tone of the “classroom” today. And again tomorrow. Even in those times where you are dealing with serious sin issues, there can be an undercurrent of joy because the gospel gives hope to each of us in our biggest failures.

Of course, you will get frustrated and even lose your temper at times with your kids – you are a sinner too. But just know that when you do “lose it” you have lost more than your cool. You lost the battle too. When we get mad at kids the focus shifts from their behavior and their learning toward MOM IS BEING A SPECTACLE! All the attention shifts to you, but not in any helpful way. Repent, re-read Ephesians 6:1-4, and start over.

Start Early. My second big idea is to start early.

Often parents wait until their child is much older to start disciplining them. Perhaps they don’t think their child will understand. Read this article to help you see how that is not true! I recommend starting as soon as there is disobedience.

In my experience, the first moment of disobedience is around 8-9 months on the changing table. All of a sudden there is a shift from squirmy baby to a baby who is “knowingly” squirmy. It is the first time your child realizes that you expect something of them (to lie stillish) and they can assert their own will by squirming. At this early stage use simple words to tell them what you expect. Use your tone and facial expression to communicate as well. A stern word might be enough but if disobedience continues physical discipline makes sense at this stage as long as it is not done out of anger and frustration. Think they can’t understand you? Think again. This article is all about language development.

The next arena for disobedience tends to be the high chair. You expect peas to be eaten and those little chubby cheeks assert their will by spitting the peas out. After the high chair, we move to the crib. Lying still, swallowing food, and sleeping are three things you can not force your child to do and they figure that out pretty quick. But, those three areas are fairly black and white. Start by winning those battles and you’ll have an easier time going forward.

Third, have winnable battles.

As I mentioned above, you can not force a child to do certain things (like swallow food). You need to engage in only the battles you can win. It is important that your child learns at an early age that they really can’t win and that obedience is pleasant. Contrast these scenarios:

1) You want little Susie to eat some peas. You tell her “eat the peas” and she clamps her mouth shut. You try wiggling the spoon into her mouth and she clamps harder. After more of this futility, you finally get the peas into her mouth. Success! Nope. She turns and spits said peas all over the floor where the dog promptly scarfs them up.

2) You offer peas to Susie and discover that she isn’t all about peas today. You set 3 peas on her high chair tray. You set a highly desirable banana on the table where she can see it. “Susie, you must eat the peas first, then you can have the banana.” If Susie eats those 3 peas you have won and she will be happy about the banana. If Susie refuses then she won’t get the banana. You’ll take her out of the high chair and move on. You will have still won. Susie might remember the lost banana and her hungry tummy in a few hours when you put her in her high chair for the next meal.

Third (the other side of the coin), set reasonable expectations

You also need to start with reasonable expectations. I am a firm believer in high expectations, but they have to be realistic. Take a step back and consider what your child is actually capable of. Are you asking them to eat an adult sized portion of food that they hate? Requiring them to sit still when they haven’t had a chance to run around outside all day? Are you expecting your 3 year old to go upstairs, get their jammies on, and brush their teeth on the 4th of July when they just stayed up insanely late and are overly tired? Or maybe picking up toys is just unrealistic today because they have a cold and are overly tired. Take into consideration factors like hunger and tiredness. If obedience is hard, double check your expectations.

Fourth, evaluate the behavior and your own heart

Some things your child will do are overtly sinful. Shoving their sister. Lying to you. Blatant disobedience. Those things are serious and require a more serious response.

Some things are just childishness. The toothpaste all over the bathroom sink is not disobedience so much as it is a lack of fine motor skills. Same with the marker on my kitchen table.

As frustrating as it may be when your toddler finds a pen and colors all over your lampshade (Yup – I just turned that part toward the wall.) it really isn’t sinful. Unless they repeatedly do it after you’ve clearly told them not to – then it turns into blatant disobedience.

Also, you need to check out your own heart. Honestly, why are you frustrated? Is it because your child made you look bad? Perhaps they unintentionally ruined something that belongs to you. Are you flying off the handle over spilt milk because now you have to clean it up?

Examine all these things and use them to measure out appropriate discipline. Does Joey need a consequence or a lesson? Is this a moment to laugh over and let little Jess know that mistakes are simply part of life? Perhaps a natural consequence (having to help clean up the spilt milk) will go a long way in motivating more care with cups in the future.

Fifth, use scripture and prayer as part of your discipline

Sometimes we view children as some “other type of creature”. Are there any age restrictions for reading God’s word? No. Is prayer only for adults? Nope. Help your child understand their actions and attitudes in light of scripture. After Sally tells a lie about her sister sit her down and read Proverbs 19:9, “A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who breathes out lies will perish.” www.OpenBible.info is a great resource if you need a quick way to do a topical search. Also, being in the word yourself will make this process much easier.

Follow it up with prayer. You can’t conquer your sin without the Lord’s help. Neither can your child. Pray with them and for them. Ask forgiveness. Ask for help. Plead for a changed heart. Model for your child how they can pray the next time they mess up. Pray for wisdom as a parent to help disciple your child and let your child hear that prayer too! Praise God for the ways he has grown your child and thank him for his mercy.

Sixth, redirect – what to do is as important as what not to do in disciplining your child

With toddlers especially, it is easy to get into a “No, no, no” rut. Don’t touch that. Stop! Put it down. No, no. It can get real negative. The negativity is like a big cloud over everyone’s joy. You need to say “No” to your child frequently. That is a given. As parents, we also need to be really intentional about finding ways to say, “Yes”.

Is your kid apt to color on the walls? Redirect them to some paper, catalogs, coloring books, etc. and let them go to town (maybe also buckle them into their high chair!) Have a few drawers in the kitchen that are OK. Tape a picture of your child on those drawers. Squirmy on the changing table? Keep a few small toys there to play with while you wipe her bum. Apt to climb out of the crib? Put a sleepsack on backwards (makes it near impossible for them to escape) and give them a few books to look at while they “rest”.

Play the “obedience game” and ask them to do fun things (run to the door, touch your toes, give daddy a hug, get a book). Praise them excessively when they obey!

Sometimes when my toddler is “into everything” and driving me nuts it is a clue that she needs a little TLC. Maybe I can stop what I am doing for a moment and read a book to her, or show her how to burp her baby doll. If I can’t stop what I am doing I might offer her something novel to play with. “No, you can’t get into mom’s make-up but would you like to try on all of daddy’s hats?”

I hope these big ideas will help you to disciple your little ones well, leading them towards obedience that will ultimately transfer to a life of joy-filled obedience to Christ. Please give this article a share and subscribe!

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