Hospitality Without Losing It

When you think hospitality what do you envision? For the idealists – It is a magazine cover shot of friends laughing around a perfectly curated table? A guest bedroom made up as a cozy retreat. Or maybe you envision opportunities to lay down your lives for others on a heroic sermon illustration level.

But there are kids…..and they unclean faster than you can clean! Life happens faster than we expect and we’re not ready for the guests. We don’t have a curated table full of Martha Stewart’s “good things”. What if we don’t have a guest bedroom or a budget that will allow a gourmet meal?

When it comes to hospitality, the tension between our imagined ideal and our reality is where we tend to fall apart. Where we tend to get ugly. I think most families have witnessed a scene like this: Mom is frantically running around shoving things in closets yelling at various family members, “Don’t you get it – they’ll be here in 10 minutes! Stop making such a mess, don’t you even care!?! Fine, I’ll do it myself!”

We absolutely lose it with our families and then turn back into nice Christians as soon as the doorbell rings.

I know I’m not the only one because Trey Kennedy made this sketch of that exact scenario that got 124K likes. Dude Dad made a similar sketch about his in-laws coming and there are hundreds more just like these. We laugh at the scenarios because they are true. But in real life, it feels horrible to lash out in anger at our families and wind up resenting the very guests we wanted to care for.

How might we instead embody 1 Peter 4:9-11 and show hospitality without grumbling? What does it look like to model a Christlike welcome?

What is the point of hospitality?

Let’s start by defining some terms. What is hospitality exactly? The Latin root hospitare means to lodge, reside, or give lodging to. It makes sense why the hospitality industry has to do with places to stay and eat and we can easily see the connection with hospitals and hospice care – both involve giving someone a place to lodge while they are cared for. But we know that hospitality is much more than giving someone a bed and a meal.

Hospitality also has to do with our heart attitudes. It involves inviting, welcoming, and loving! Jesus is our ultimate example of hospitality. He gave us earthly examples of loving sinners, strangers, those in his inner circle, and even children. The world was not very hospitable toward Him, but He shows his love for us by giving us living water, the feast of his words, his body and blood, the clothing of his righteousness, fullness of joy in his presence, and an imperishable place prepared for us.

When we demonstrate Biblical hospitality towards others we aren’t merely “entertaining”, we are using our resources (time, houses, food, dishes, furniture, etc.) to show Christ’s love toward anyone in our path from our own children, the person in our pew at church, or the family down the street.

We have been welcomed and brought near by God, so we can in turn welcome others. Jesus sacrificed his very body for us and we respond by willingly sacrificing our possessions and time for others. We respond to the care we have received by sharing with others. Our tangible expressions of hospitality should always have a backdrop of Christ. Welcome, would you like a glass of water? And can I point you to the One who can give you Living Water?

Hospitality flows outward. How can we show hospitality to a stranger if we haven’t shown it to our own children? Hospitality also builds! It must start with the foundation: how can I use my resources and abilities to love this person and meet their needs? Cozy sheets, fancy tablescapes, and culinary delights are like decorations. They are nice, but meaningless if the foundation isn’t there.

Shifting our Gaze Sets us up for Hospitality

In the introduction I pointed out that the tension between our ideal and our reality is often where it gets ugly for us. This is true, but the root goes even deeper. Look at that sentence again. If the focus is on OUR ideal and OUR reality then our gaze is starting out in the wrong direction!

I lash out at my kids and my husband before company comes when I am focused on myself. It hurts to admit, but it is true! I get mad because my messy house is a reflection of me and I don’t want others to see the reality. My family members are in the crosshairs because I believe that they should cater to ME and my wishes.

I am still growing in this area, but when I shift my gaze away from myself, hospitality improves significantly (along with a host of other things)! If we want to improve our attitudes in our homes we start by looking at Christ.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace. Look at Him. Consider how He loved you. Examine the way he welcomed and cared for people while he walked the Earth. Remember that He is present with you – not just at your dinner table but WITH YOU as you clean and prepare! Wonder how He would treat your toddler, your husband, your guests?

Preparing our Hearts for Hospitality Matters as Much as Making up the Bed

You know yourself and your family well enough to know where you will be tempted to sin. So prepare your hearts and anticipate the struggles. Practically consider patterns in your previous hosting experiences. If you tend to get flustered 20 minutes before guests arrive ask your family members to pray with you at that point.

Perhaps you turn into the Hulk over the trail of toys left (after you just cleaned the living room). Pray about this and ask the Lord to give you a right heart before you turn into a mom-monster.

Invite your family to pray with you for your guests in advance. “The Johnsons are coming over tomorrow night, would you pray for them with me and pray that God would help us to bless them in our home?”

Perhaps there is a common issue with a particular guest. Think in advance about ways to mitigate the issues and pray for servant-like attitudes. For example, if your guests have children that tend to be really rough on your kids toys you might decide ahead of time to put away their most fragile and precious things AND pray that the Lord would give grace to overlook offenses and bear with each other in love.

Maybe your kids are prone to act out in front of guests. Discuss the expectations well in advance and pray together that God would show them how they can be blessings.

Getting to the “WHYs” help us to stay on track

Our grandmothers use to pull out all the stops for guests – fine china, freshly pressed bed linens, the works! The pendulum has swung in the opposite direction lately in an effort to be more “authentic”. There is an idea that we ought not clean or prepare anything special for guests because we want to be our true selves with them and enjoy more genuine fellowship. I would argue that we ought not throw out that baby with the bathwater!

Being real with one another doesn’t mean we can’t bless one another with special preparation! We can find this balance by asking “why?” For example, why do I feel a need to clean the dog hair off my couch prior to the arrival of guests? Is it because I would be embarrassed by a sofa full of pet fur? OR, is it because I want to bless my guests by providing a clean place for them to sit! Why do I care about my table setting? Am I setting the table with fine china so that I look good or so that they feel special?

The “Why” questions can guide your family in preparing. Here are some examples of conversations you might have with your family members to help hospitality flow from the right kind of motivations:

We want our guests to feel comfortable in our home. Lets walk through each room together and see what we can do to quickly make that room more welcoming. Is there anything gross in this room? Is there anything that would make our guests feel awkward?

We want to bless our guests by nourishing them. What can we cook that they will like? Are there foods that will be difficult for their toddler or that they can’t eat because of allergies? How can we make them feel special with this meal?

We want our overnight guests to feel well-rested. How can we set up this room so that they can sleep well in it?

What can we do while our guests are here so that they have a joyful time with our family? How should we treat them? What might we offer them?

We love our dog. Are our guests comfortable with animals? How can we manage our pets so they don’t make our guests feel nervous?

A few more practical tips

Have a few standard meals/snacks that you can pull together confidently and easily at the last minute.

If all else fails with cleaning, just focus on having a comfortable place for your guest to sit and a bathroom they won’t feel embarrassed to use.

Guests who are children tend to get excited over a whole new world of toys. I remember one occasion where a young person dumped out 4 of our puzzles and combined the pieces (these were 500+ piece puzzles). I learned that it works better to only have one available puzzle! Manage the pending chaos by limiting the quantity and types of toys that are available to use when guests are at your home. This article on sharing has a lot more to say on this topic.

It seems there are more and more people with dietary restrictions these days. Many of these are simply preferences, but it can be daunting to prepare food for someone with severe allergies. The last thing you want is your guests to break out in hives (or worse!). As a parent of a child with allergies I recommend asking questions about the severity of allergies and the measures they take at home to prepare food safely. For menu ideas, don’t try to invent a dairy and gluten free pizza – rather stick with foods that are naturally allergen free. Grilled chicken, rice, and simple vegetables are almost always safe. Meals where people can “build” their own work well too. (Think baked potato or taco bars) I offer some menu ideas in this article on frugal grocery tips.

Conclusion

Remember that when your focus is on Christ and your motives are to bless your guests with His love the rest will simply fall into place. Your house will be clean enough and the food will be delicious when seasoned with love. Hospitality is a muscle that needs to be strengthened. We all have room to grow with our skills, but also our attitudes surrounding hospitality.