Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen – Responding to Complaining

As I write this I have a 15-month-old who has recently learned to climb up on tables, beds, and the bathroom vanity.  She gets into EVERYTHING.  She can open doors!  I often wonder if I’ll be able to keep her alive until the age of ten.  Little toddlers are unbelievably cute and part of me wants to savor every chubby-cheeked moment.  Part of me wants to wake up when she is three because this is exhausting!  I am also pregnant right now with our fourth daughter.  My oldest daughters are age 6 and nearly five.  They are as helpful as they can be, but there are limits to their ability to carry the workload in our home in a meaningful way. I am pregnant and we have been in a major heatwave and our AC has been running at a real subpar level.  Add a handful of trips, home projects, and family events.  This is most assuredly a season of having no surplus energy. 

Certainly, my experience is not a new one.  We all have seasons of more or less “various trials” (James 1:2) and I have been thinking quite a bit about how we think and talk about those seasons with one another.  On the one hand, my “trials” are very real.  On the other hand, I look at my friend with 7 young children who also homeschools them all and works part-time and I think, “Gee, I must be a real weakling to think my stuff is hard!”  In fact, I go to a church with many large families.  I would say that most of the women in my circle have much more on their plates than I do!  But does that mean that I am simply whiney or wimpy for admittedly feeling tired?   I could also think of women in generations previous – imagine adding to my “struggles” the Great Depression, the Dust Bowl, or doing it all without a washing machine/dryer/dishwasher/vacuum/refrigerator/internet/minivan?  I can’t even imagine how good I have it and yet I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit run down. 

I know that you can relate – every woman in history except Eve has had someone to compare her problems with and has had something in her life that could be described truthfully as “hard”.  So, is the answer just to “suck it up” and quit complaining?  On one hand, yes.  We are commanded not to grumble or complain.  Several places in God’s word expound on this as we’ll see in point 4.  On the other hand – well, is there another hand?  Here are some collected thoughts in no particular order:

•  I believe that women have a common longing to be “known”.  We feel this acutely when we are single – longing for someone to take notice of us and discover who we are.  This is part of why we women talk so much!  We are relational and a significant part of that is we want the people we relate with to have a deep understanding of who we are, the contexts of our joys and struggles, the story arch of our lives, and the nuances of our emotions.  There is nothing wrong with this longing – though we tend to look for it to be satisfied by unsatisfactory means.  It is fine to want your friend and your husband to understand you as long as you accept that they never really will.  There is only One who can fully meet this longing.  He knit you together in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139).  He knew you before the foundation of the World (Ephesians 1:4).  He is able to sympathize with your weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15).  He cares for you and wants to hear about all your cares (1 Peter 5:7).

• God’s grace is always sufficient and his mercies are new each day.  (2 Corinthians 12:9 and Lamentations 3:23) God gives me exactly what I need to fulfill the duties he has called me to today.  Just like collecting extra manna in the wilderness didn’t work out so well for the Israelites, there isn’t really a way to collect extra grace and mercy so that I have more than I need.  That is also true for my pastor’s wife who has nine children.  God’s grace is sufficient for her too!  Each of us gets what we need.  I don’t think there are two women on the planet who have exactly the same situations.  There are just too many variables.  Yet, God knows each one of us.  He has specific duties for this day.  He measures out specific trials to shape our character today.  He also provides all that we need to face those trials and fulfil those duties.  Not more or less. 

• Vying for legitimacy has become a bad habit in our society.  When I show someone how hard my situation is, they are more apt to think charitably on my failures and admire me for my successes.  Yuck!  Isn’t that disgusting?  We all do it though.  Some more than others.  There is a huge temptation to excuse away our sins and boast about our strengths by shining a flashlight on our trials.  I call this vying for legitimacy.  This is what irritates us about the “When I was a kid we walked five miles uphill to school every day in blizzards!” stories.  One side effect is that, since the results of this game are so unsatisfactory we tend to increase how much and how hard we play it, hoping for better results, Meanwhile, we increasingly ignore the feelings of others spurring them to do this more and more.  Here is a fictional illustration:  Imagine that I have a cold and my husband has a cold.  I might complain about my cold hoping for sympathy.  Since my husband also has a cold, he doesn’t really want to give me sympathy because he is feeling crummy himself.  He’d actually like a little sympathy to come his way!  So, he complains a little about how much worse he is feeling.  Well, this is not the result I wanted so I come back with even more descriptions of the unbelievable degree of congestion I am experiencing and how I wasn’t able to sleep more than an hour last night.  Ah, but he didn’t even sleep for an hour and he also seems to be developing a fever . . . See how the cycle goes?  My husband would never actually behave that way – he would just buck up and sacrificially step up to take care of our kids and home so that I could get some rest.  And his actions would break that yucky sinful cycle of us both “vying for legitimacy”.

• It is true that we are not to grumble and complain.  Philippians 2:14 urges us to “Do ALL things without grumbling or complaining.” So that we will be blameless and shine like lights.  After the Israelites were freed from Egypt they complained and grumbled about not having water or food.  They did not trust that God would provide for them.   Exodus 16:8 describes pretty negatively some of the complaining of the Israelites after they were freed from Egypt. “And Moses said, “When the LORD gives you in the evening meat to eat and in the morning bread to the full, because the LORD has heard your grumbling that you grumble against him–what are we? Your grumbling is not against us but against the LORD.”  Numbers chapters 11-14 also describe this grumbling in detail.  Numbers 11:1 says, “And the people complained in the hearing of the Lord about their misfortunes, and when the Lord heard it, his anger was kindled, and the fire of the Lord burned among them and consumed some outlying parts of the camp.” The passage goes on to describe how they complained over and over and how God provided for them over and over.  Over time their hearts were so hardened, untrusting, and fearful that God determined not to let that generation enter the Promised Land!  If that doesn’t make us a bit wary of our grumbling I am not sure what will!  In 1 Corinthians 10:9-10 Paul tells us that the story of the Israelites’ complaining was written down for our instruction.  “We must not put Christ to the test, as some of them did and were destroyed by serpents,  nor grumble, as some of them did and were destroyed by the Destroyer.  Now these things happened to them as an example, but they were written down for our instruction, on whom the end of the ages has come.”

• Situational comparisons are very helpful and also unhelpful.  Reading Little House on the Prairie is helpful because it will expose many of the blessings you have (such as a grocery store).  It is not helpful because it doesn’t remove or change the situation in your modern life.  Bekah Merkle on one of my favorite podcasts, What Have You, once stated, “I could have been a war concubine somewhere!”  Looking at the struggles of women throughout history and in various places in the world does often help us to be grateful.  It is so healthy for us to count our blessings.  1.  I am not a war concubine.  2.  I can go to a grocery store.  3.  I have running water.  4.  I can feed my children.  5.  I have centralized heating and air.  6.  I have a super awesome mattress and pillow.  I could go on and on, but you get the point.  Thinking through our many blessings is a powerful weapon against a grumbling heart.  Gratitude breeds contentment and peace.   The temptation, however, is to say that “Suzy is not a war concubine therefore she has nothing in her life that is worthy of viewing as a trial.”  Better to say, “Suzy is not a war concubine.  She has much to be grateful for.  Therefore, she can trust that the same God who has been faithful to women all throughout history with unfathomable trials will be faithful to her with her trial today.” 

Given those five realities, how can we deal with our real struggles better?  As the person struggling we need to remind ourselves of the truths that we are known by our Heavenly Father.  He knows our thoughts and the words we have yet to speak!  He knows about how the kids were all crying at one time and he knows why that hour of terror was allowed to happen to you while you were trying to make dinner that burned.  He is generous.  He is wise.  He knows exactly what you need in order to obey him.  He also knows exactly what trials you need to face so that you can be shaped more into the likeness of Christ.  He also understands intimately because he was hungry and tired and dealt with challenging children.  He felt grief and loss and encountered extremely frustrating situations.  Go to Him with your cares before you go to your friend. (1 Peter 5:7) Meditate on who he has revealed himself to be in His word.  No doubt it will serve to at least temper your complaints if not eliminate them altogether. 

For the occasions we are the listeners, let’s try to resist the urge to turn the focus of the conversation to our own trials and avoid saying things akin to “suck it up”.  Rather, understand that this woman longs to be understood and is feeling a need to share her burdens.  Her trials might seem minor to you but they are the trials that God has determined are the right fit for her.  So, listen.  Try to understand.  Then, point her to her sympathetic High Priest, Her creator, and her best Heavenly Friend.  Demonstrate sacrificial love and service, if possible.  Gently remind her that God’s grace is sufficient and that this testing of her faith will produce good things for her!