Training Children to Deal with Fear

With Halloween around the corner we find no shortage of opportunities to help our kids deal with fear. We have a neighbor who has a history of dressing antique dolls in white, squirting red paint all over them, and having them in and around dog kennels in the front yard. Another neighbor enjoys hanging a pretend corpse from their tree and yet another puts a giant blow up spider in her front yard. It generally makes for some interesting walks to the park.

October is a good time to talk about dealing with fear. When a walk around the block or a quick run to Home Depot means encounters with things like this:

There are countless things we all fear. Children are, of course, no exception. I don’t like to call these fears “irrational”. I think most of the time we have good reasons to fear. The times when fear seems “irrational” are typically times when we have a lack of understanding or knowledge. My default response when my children are afraid has been to comfort them, discount their fears, or to justify/validate their fears. A few years ago I started to consider a different response for helping them deal with fear.

We were watching Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. I have been a big fan since I was a little 3 year old hugging our TV. I generally like his approach with children and agree with the things he had to say. But there was this episode (Episode 1389) where Henrietta Pussycat was afraid of witches. His response was that witches weren’t real (He even had a song about it!). I would like very much for that to be true – but – they are real! Sure, the triangle-hatted, broom-riding, cauldron-stirring Hollywood version might be fictitious, but witchcraft/witches/warlocks and all that goes with them do exist. Not only that, there are valid reasons to fear them!

Are there no such things as ___?

We often tell our children, “there are no such things as fill-in-the-blank” but sometimes that isn’t the truth and, after that episode of Mr. Rogers, I wondered if that approach was helpful at all. I didn’t know what to say to my daughter at the time.

Since then, however, I have explained to her that witches are indeed real. That they are people who worship Satan and use demonic power. I explained that, while truly scary, as Christians we do not need to fear witches because our life is hidden in Christ and “he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world” (1 John 4:4) We looked at Bible stories that address this such as Moses and the plagues of Egypt – Pharaoh’s “magicians” fit into the broad category of witchcraft. (If you have questions about this I would recommend this video from Got Questions.)

What about spiders and creepy crawlies?

There are things that we dismiss as “fantasy” when helping our children deal with fear. But there are also things that are undeniably real! One of my daughters was terrified of garbage trucks when she was a toddler. Another child of mine doesn’t like to go in our crawl space because there is a variety of “creepy crawlies” in there. She isn’t making up those creepy crawlies!

I used to be terrified of spiders! In our early years of marriage I remember at least one instance of trapping a spider in an upside down cup and waiting outside for my husband to go kill it for me. (Embarrassing, but I am committed to honesty here!)

However, when my own little girls screeched at a spider crawling across our kitchen wall I squashed it with my bare hands and didn’t think twice! Love forced me to deal with my fear! “Perfect love casts out fear” is from 1 John 4:18. The context has more to do with fear of judgement, but it is true in various situations. In this case, my love for my children was far greater than my fear of spiders.

The truth that “love casts out fear” is helpful in many situations, but perhaps still a little abstract for helping a 4 year old with her fear of falling off her bike or the vague fears that so many children have after living through the weirdness of 2020.

Why does helping children deal with fear matter?

Some might argue that it is ok for children to be scared at times. Or that it is “normal”. It is normal, but so are a lot of sins! It doesn’t mean we should stay there and not grow!

We should help children deal with fear because it is commanded in God’s word. The command to “fear not” is one of the most repeated commands in the Bible with well over 100 verses containing phrases like “fear not” or “be not afraid”. Then, there are countless more about worry and trust where “fear not” is implied.

We help children deal with fear so that they can grow up to fight dragons! Look at David, Joseph, Daniel, Moses, Peter, Job, Esther, Mary and so on. I want my children to have a trust in the Lord that works itself out in God-glorifying courage! Raise up confident and courageous kids who will put God’s might on display in this dark world. Not children who are fearless because they “believe in themselves” but because they believe in God.

Facing fear will be a needed skill in your child’s life. Taking opportunities to equip them in the smaller things (like spiders, boat tubing, and the Home Depot Halloween aisle) will help them develop important skills! N.D. Wilson, in his podcast “Stories Are Soul Food”, talks about courage as a muscle that needs to be worked. I would highly recommend his podcast. Episode 36: Scary Stories (featuring Remy Wilkins) specifically addresses the topic of fear.

N.D. Wilson is a fantastic resource on this particular topic. Take this quote from his book Notes from the Tilt-A-Whirl:

Universal Guiding Principles for helping children with fear

Here is a step by step process to help your children with a wide array of fears.

First, identify the fear. What are they afraid of? What is frightening about that? Can you identify the root cause of fear?

Second, learn about the object of fear. What does the Bible teach about this thing? The Bible has a great deal to say about snakes, dragons, witches, sickness, death, heaven and hell, etc. If spiders are the object, then get some books about spiders. For a “fear of garbage trucks” stand outside with your little one and watch a garbage truck while you explain what is happening. Show them that there is a driver in the truck.

Third, find Biblical truths and promises that address the specific fear. You may find a promise specifically related to a fear or it may be verses that talk about God’s protection and provision for your child. You can even do a google search such as “what does the Bible say about dragons?” or “what does the Bible say about worry?” You may not find arachnophobia addressed specifically in the Bible, but I am often surprised by what I find when I do a little digging.

Fourth, do some risk/benefit analysis about how hard to push your child in facing their fears. There are times to hold your screaming toddler in the front yard as the garbage truck goes by and times to retreat and pray about it.

Our children were a little fearful of tubing behind a boat. We determined that what was best for them was some “tough love”. My husband just put the crying child on the tube with him and told his brother to drive the boat slowly at first. Lo and behold, said child now loves tubing! If your child is afraid of the vacuum cleaner you might have a situation where you push your child pretty hard in confronting their fear. If your child is afraid of demonic forces, well, I wouldn’t go experimenting there!

Fifth, come up with a game plan for your child. What can they do to deal with fear when it arises? Where can they go? Who can they talk to? What can they think? How might they pray?

For example, if a child is afraid of the dark in their bedroom you might give them these four steps. 1) Pray. Tell Jesus that you feel scared. Ask him to help you. 2) Sing. Softly sing “Jesus strong and kind” (or whatever song your child knows that will help them set their mind on the Lord.) 3) Get up, turn on the light, and look around. Then, turn off the light and go back to bed. 4) If you are still afraid you may come and find daddy.

When children resist dealing with fear

This article is about kids, but the concepts apply to adults as well. (Here is a post for anxious moms.) Sometimes we hold our fears close and don’t want to give them up. Usually this is because our fears are valid apart from God! Some spiders can be deadly. You could drown. Demonic forces are real. Read the book of Job – does it get more real than that! BUT GOD. But God has dealt with our worst fear – death. It has no sting and no victory. Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ! When we choose to hold onto fear it is like saying, “I don’t really believe you, God.”

As parents, our promises aren’t infallible like God’s promises. But a lack of trust in us as parents is often the reason our kids hold on to fear. When my daughter was learning to ride her bike she had great difficulty with trust. She’d tense up as soon as she thought daddy was going to let go and she’d start crying and want to quit. She didn’t trust her dad! It took a good heart-to-heart with him to realize that he was not going to let her be hurt. That when he said he would run beside her he would keep his word. Once she trusted him she could let go of her fear and start riding her bike.

Sometimes a help is to ask our children, “Do you believe me?” “Have I kept my word in the past?” “Do you believe that I love you?” “You know that I am strong enough to hold onto you, right?” Our fears are often dispelled by faith. For children, faith in mom and dad can blossom into faith in the Lord.

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