Why We Don’t Teach Our Kids to Share and What We Do Instead

It’s not that we don’t want generous and kind children. We certainly do! Which is why we don’t “teach our kids to share”. Instead we have other strategies we implement in our home. The word “share” is in our family’s vocabulary. We use it often, but we take a different approach for getting to the action of sharing. In this article I’ll start by defining some terms and offering some examples. Then, I’ll zoom in closer on the heart issues often involved. Finally, I’ll share about how we teach generosity to encourage sharing and contentment for when we are tempted to demand that someone share.

My husband took me and my two older daughters on an ice skating date a couple weeks ago. The concession stand at the rink was out of almost everything (which was a bummer because it was our dinner plan!), so we wound up with two small buckets of popcorn, a bag of chips, and one string cheese. My five year old was tasked with splitting up the string cheese, so she broke it in half, looked at the pieces, and handed the bigger part to her sister. My heart burst. Those moments are so sweet, especially when they come without prompts or nagging.

Don’t get me wrong, my kids are sinners who fight and act selfishly (just like yours!). But they are also growing into lovely people who are budding with love towards others and contentment with their circumstances. Generosity can be hard for them. We aren’t wealthy, and my kids don’t get to have everything they want. We often have them wait for a long time before they get a toy they desire. And we teach them the value of waiting.  Even for good things. 

We also have them save their money and require them to buy many things for themselves! It takes a long time to buy an American Girl Doll when your allowance is only $5 each month! But they each did it! And now they appreciate the value of that doll much more than if we had purchased it for them when they asked for it. For them to share those dolls comes at a cost because the dolls themselves came at a cost.

As a mom, and before that as a teacher, I have been in plenty of environments where phrases like “We always share.” or “In this home/classroom we share.” float around through obnoxious adult voices or taunting posters on the wall. At first glance the sentiment seems admirable. After all, “sharing” is something we want our kids to do! Right?! I mean, sharing is caring, I even write that at the end of my blog posts! But something about sharing as a command or a rule just doesn’t ring with the Bible’s tuning fork. I write more about that in this post.

To share or not to share

To be clear, I am not talking about sharing a blog post on the internet (seriously – sharing is caring in that situation). I am also not talking about situations when I hand my daughter a pack of skittles and direct her to divide them evenly between her siblings. But that isn’t teaching kids the generous act of sharing. It seems more like teaching them rudimentary math (division).

I am talking about situations in which Susie is playing happily with the blocks and Joey wants to join in, so an adult comes in with the quip phrase “in this house we share!” Thus forcing Susie to divvy up the blocks, most often with a resentful and bitter heart, in order to alleviate the jealousy and discontentment of Joey. Perhaps the right thing to do in this scenario is for Susie to let Joey have some blocks. But, I would argue that the adult’s chosen strategy of intervention was the wrong choice since it left a collection of bitterness, resentment, jealousy, and discontentment in its wake.

The heart issues

I have observed over and over again children demanding that someone else share with them. Tattling, “She’s not sharing!” Or having a selfish fit because they want what someone else has.

Often the desire to have someone share with you comes from a heart that is discontented and jealous. Occasionally there is an innocent, “I want to play with you” attitude. But more often it is an, “I want the toy you have” attitude.

Consider this same scenario in an adult setting. I see that my friend has several pairs of really cute shoes. May I demand she share? The Joneses make more money than we do. They should be obligated to share their income with us, right? Preposterous! And if I demanded it, I would be an entitled, jealous, discontented scoundrel in need of a 10th Commandment rebuke! (Exodus 20:17) If we don’t desire these character traits in adults why would we fuel it in childhood?

Ok, now lets go back and look at Susie who was playing with the blocks first. Susie found a toy that was available and took advantage of the opportunity to play with it. She is busy with some imaginative scheme that likely involves all the blocks (and probably an imaginary princess or two). When she is forced to give them up her heart turns sour and resentful. She may resolve to never share again unless forced because sharing stinks! The situation has now become a stumbling block for generosity.

Alternatively, say Susie looks up on her own and sees that longing look on Joey’s face. She weighs the cost of having to alter her building plans if she were to lose half the blocks to Joey. She decides to be generous and experiences the double blessing of making a sacrifice and a friend at the same time.

Teaching and encouraging generosity to Susie is a better approach than demanding she share. It is also worthwhile to simultaneously address Joey’s discontentment and jealousy! Sound hard? Well, it involves a bit more leg work than simply commanding “SHARE” all over the place, but I believe wholeheartedly that the view from the top is worth the climb.

Teaching generosity without teaching kids to share

I much prefer that my children “share” of their own volition, so rather than teaching my kids to share, I want to teach and model love, self-sacrifice, and generosity. Generosity can be hard for them. As I stated earlier, my kids don’t have everything they want. They feel the sacrifice that comes with being generous. Here is a taste of how we go about “teaching generosity”.

We recently studied and memorized 1 Corinthians 13, and we prayed this verse together, “Lord, please make us patient and kind. And help us not to insist on our own way .” We also look for opportunities to act out those truths in our home. It takes time. It won’t happen overnight. But God’s word is living and active and it does “not return void” (Isaiah 55:11).

My pastor is currently preaching through Luke. Last week the sermon was on Love for Enemies from Luke 6. The text says in verse 32 that “even sinners love those who love them”. The kind of reciprocal exchange-favors-love is natural and normal. But Christians are called to have the kind of love that is supernatural! Love that makes sacrifices expecting nothing in return! The kind of love that goes to a bloody cross for you enemies! (Romans 5:8)

To some degree, the kind of generosity I am after in my kids is not something I can teach them at all. There is a prerequisite “new heart” required. (Ezekiel 36:26) My kids won’t love like Jesus until they have been changed by Jesus and no amount of teaching or modeling on my part will guarantee that.

However, there is a promise in the proverb, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6) Repeatedly telling my kids, “this is the way – walk in it” (Isaiah 30:21) does have an effect. They will most likely “walk” the way I have taught them and follow the One I keep pointing them toward -“The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness” (Exodus 34:6)

So I teach my children what love really is. Then, I point out opportunities for them to show love rather than teach my kids to share.

Take a look at your sister. What do you think she is feeling? How could you show her love?

This is yours fair and square. But is this “thing” more important than the friendship you are building?

Remember that verse we read this morning? How do you think you could honor King Jesus in the way you play today?

When we go home do you think you’d feel better about having played with all the Calico Critters OR that you made a sacrifice to bring joy to your friend?

Would you rather have this thing or would you rather see this other child be blessed?

How might you count her more significant than yourself?

Working on contentment

Now what about the kid who wants to be shared with? The two most common issues I see are discontentment and jealousy. When you simply teach kids to share it is easy to skim over these delightful sins. (Two areas of sin that I am all too familiar with, unfortunately!) Underneath the tantrum, behind the tears, or hiding in the pleas of “it’s not fair” is a heart that wants what it simply doesn’t have. Rather than alleviate the discomfort of those two sins by demanding the desire be met through “sharing”, reach deeper and dig into the heart issues. Consider what jealousy and discontentment look like in adults around you and in your own heart. They’re ugly. It is worth your time and energy to give your child strategies and training in how to fight those sins now.

First, uncover the sins

Name them. Dig them up. Examine the roots.

Joey, you were playing happily until you saw Susie with those blocks. Was the moment you wanted those blocks the same moment you saw her having fun? Maybe you are jealous of her fun? Is that jealousy a good feeling? Does it honor Jesus?

Sally, I see you are crying because Poppy has a pink princess tiara and you do not. But you have the princess shoes and this beautiful dress. Why are those not enough? It appears you are discontent with the things you do have and are demanding that Poppy give up her tiara to make you happier. Is that true? Poppy does not need to give up the tiara. Instead, how about you thank Jesus for the shoes and the dress?

Second, spend time memorizing and digesting verses like the ones below

Memorizing scripture is like arming your kids with daggers they can pull out when Jealousy rears its hideous head. I also highly recommend Jerry Bridges’ book Respectable Sins. He really examines what is behind these sins, points to helpful scriptures, and gives practical strategies for fighting them.

• Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
• Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5)
• I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:12-13)
• But godliness with contentment is great gain. (1 Timothy 6:6)

• And he said to them, “Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.” (Luke 12:15)

• But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? (1 John 3:17)

Third, foster gratitude!

Gratitude is perhaps the best antidote to discontentment and jealousy. There isn’t a quick fix to an ungrateful heart. A thankful disposition takes some time to grow. I wrote an article about fostering gratitude that you can check out!

A Few Last Words

God loves a cheerful giver (2 Corinthians 9:7)

That verse doesn’t let me off the hook for showing generosity if I am feeling grumpy about it. Rather, I need to correct my heart issue so that I can give cheerfully and show love with joy. Instead of teaching kids to share with a singular focus on the end result it matters that we, as parents address the heart behind the action.

When it doesn’t work out

Yup. Sometimes my kids wind up not choosing the way of love. There are exceptions, but I generally try not to force them. I see this as a clear opportunity to teach the unshared-with-sibling how to show forgiveness and how to bear with others in love. This teaching moment is a valuable gem and one of the benefits of why I don’t teach my kids to share.

Also, there are some things that ought not to be shared. One of my children has a very special stuffed puppy she sleeps with. I do not believe she needs to share this. (Although she does at times let the toddler in our house play with it anyways!) There are some things my kids have no choice about sharing. We live in a 3 bedroom house + there are 4 children + one bedroom serves as an office = tons of sharing happens by default.

Wrap Up

I hope that you found this article helpful! Thank you for stopping by. I will reiterate that “sharing” in itself is not a bad thing. We as parents do our children a great service in helping them work on the heart issues that drive their social interactions.

Also, in the case of blog articles sharing is a great thing! Give this article a share! This does contain Amazon Affiliate links. If you make a purchase through one of the links I may earn a small commission – all the recommendations are my own.